Monday 28 April 2014

42093 – 18:37 Monday 28th April

42093

Good old Sir Peter Parker, now pulling the Frome service (and carriage 44097), rumbled into Platform 7 at Reading dead on time and all that was left for me to do was clamber aboard Carriage C, or 42093 as his friends like to call him.

Other than a group of work colleagues, obviously off on a course (possibly at the Scottish and Southern Electric centre) who thought it was hilarious to be getting off at Thatcham (eh?) I could have done this journey in my sleep. Perhaps I did?


42291 – 17:49 Monday 28th April

42291

It was a slow old start to the week in terms of the Carriage Capture. My morning train, from which I just cannot deviate from my regular Carriage A turned out to be the very first duplicate of the project. 44097 was already in the bag from last Wednesday so I had to wait until this evening to get my first victim of the day.

The 17:49 Worcester Shrub Hill service fitted the bill nicely and my timely arrival at Paddington gave me more than enough time to secure a comfortable window seat in Carriage D, which also went by the name of 42291.

Just before we left I noted the train pulling into Platform 10, guessing that this would form the Frome service which I would be picking up at Reading. It was being pushed by Sir Peter Parker, someone my dad never forgave for subjecting our family to an appalling railway journey from Coventry to Kidwelly. But that’s another story. Still, Sir Peter’s Wikipedia article has a very nice section on the train that is named in his honour.

But more interesting that Sir Peter Parker was noting that Carriage A on this train was none other than 44097 again. What are the chances of that happening? (Actually probably both calculable and predictable, but c’mon, I’m being sad enough already doing this aren't I?)


Friday 25 April 2014

42344 – 18:37 Friday 25rd April

42344

The 18:37 Frome service was quite a let down after the excitement of the train that got me to Reading.

A half empty and fairly quiet Carriage C saw me home to the start of the weekend and two days where the readers of this blog won’t have to read any pointless drivel-ridden updates. Well you wouldn't want too much of a good thing would you?

Join us again next week for some more carriages, some more unreasonable interaction with fellow humans and more appalling grammar.


42308 – 18:00 Friday 25rd April

42308

Right, I’ll admit it. I was completely, utterly, totally and 100% wrong in one of my last posts. I unreservedly apologise to anyone and everyone, anywhere and everywhere, alive or dead and will never make another generalisation again……(yeah right!)

As I jauntily bounced into Paddington tonight I realised that I’d not yet got a Carriage D for the Carriage Capture. Noting that the 18:00 Bristol Temple Meads service had just been called, some 10 minutes before departure, I therefore thought the chances of me getting a seat in this popular carriage were pretty good. And they were, after a quick snap of 42308 I slotted into a window seat and made myself comfortable, by immediately turning off the VOLO entertainment system.

Still, any chance of peace and quiet was firstly dashed by the bloke speaking to his child about their dinner time, “And what did you have for dinner? Oooh, chicken nuggets, how lovely. Yum Yum.” I mean he could have been speaking to his wife I guess but FFS mate, have a bit of dignity in public can’t you? 

And then some business woman kicked off, ordering her underlings around at gone six in the evening. But by far the worse was the effeminate chap who firstly had a long and extremely tedious conversation with his mother about pizza, “Well, how many are we? I reckon 3 or 4 then? Well I don’t care (yes you do else you wouldn't be rabbiting on about it) but make sure I get a chicken fajita one. Well I don’t mind (yes you do, because you’re making sure the whole carriage knows) but I’ll be there at 7 so get them to deliver at ¼ past……blah blah blah” but as soon as he was done, he then phoned his girlfriend and went through the exact same conversation, “well I’ve told mum to get pizza, well I don’t mind as long as I get chicken fajita……..”

And then just when you thought he was finally going to shut up, the girlfriend rang back as she needed directions to the station to pick Little Lord Fauntleroy up. Our hero then proceeded to give a blow by blow set of instructions that would have put Google Maps to shame.

By the time I got to Reading my ears were bleeding and I had vowed never to enter Carriage D for a long long time. Luckily the very amusing @FGWruinlives posted the funniest thing I've seen in ages and cheered me up no end.







44076 – 06:57 Friday 25rd April

44076

Friday, Friday, so good that day, especially for the trains as all the fair-weather workers have started their long weekends and consequently aren't taking up any precious space in the carriages with their wheelie suitcases, folding Bromptons and rucksacks. Staying true to my mantra of it can only ever be Carriage A for my morning journey I was at first dismayed when capturing the number of 44076 at Paddington as this seemed very familiar and I at first suspected that I had claimed my first duplicate number. But serendipity was with me and a quick check of the blog shows that whilst I have travelled on a couple of carriages in the 440xx series, 44076 is a nice new victim to add to the list.

It should have been an excellent journey as the reduction in travelling numbers had resulted in a double seat and a window berth for yours truly even after stops at Theale (PAH!) and Reading. (I can thoroughly recommend a massive moustache for keeping people away.) But alas I have to report that a weasely phone user disturbed the silent nirvana not only with a ridiculous ring tone but also a lengthy conversation. Well, I say lengthy conversation but what made this disturbance all the more annoying was the fact the bloke in the carriage was certainly the passive participant in the conversation as all he was required to do was say “Yeah….” at suitable pauses so it would have seemed really churlish to approach the man and ask him to shut up. But (and this is the final but) he was winning no fans at all by making each one of these “yeah…” s as annoying as possible by yawning as he said it, or lengthening it to a stupid “yeeeeeaaaaaaaaah” or even doing it in a variety of daft accents.

Anyway, the lovely Jo of @FGW Twitter fame will now be able to enjoy her mid-morning frothy latte all the better now that not only does she know what the heck I’m going on about but also knows that I didn't already have 44076 in the stamp album…….Yeeeeeaaaah!

Thursday 24 April 2014

42293 – 18:15 Thursday 24th April

42293

My arrival at Paddington this evening was somewhat delayed due to a work’s “celebration” where my hard work was literally repaid in peanuts………less said about that, the better.

So thanks to my business enforced tardiness it meant that I’d missed the usual Frome service and had to instead take a train I’d never taken before, namely the 18:15 service to Swansea. Carriage B was my chosen carriage and I made it into the last unreserved seat before the poor late comers had to start standing in the aisle. Just remember kids, your ticket is for the journey, not for a seat.

Disembarkation at Reading showed that the front power car on this particular journey was courtesy of Didcot Railway Centre which is none other than @slowpokesam ‘s favourite wagon. Quite why it’s his favourite he’s never explained, but in tribute to this childlike obsession with choo-choo trains, here’s a picture of it. I mean it’s not like you’d ever catch me logging numbers in a book is it.


The later journey also meant a horrible stupid Turbo from Reading to Thatcham and therefore no third number for the day. 

Stupid Turbos.

44037 – 06:57 Thursday 24rd April

44037

The trains are running disgustingly on time at the moment meaning that my opportunities to winge, carp, moan and complain are being severely curtailed.

So although I don’t have anything earth shattering to report from this morning’s journey, on the upside even though I was rooted firmly in my morning habitat of Carriage A, it was another “new” Carriage A to add to the ever growing collection.

As I’ve no interesting travel news for you, here’s a little bit of a puzzler to think about whilst you all should be working or at the very least watching Jeremy Kyle in your pants. Why, as soon as the Train Manager (TM) has announced the approach to Paddington does all hell break loose in Carriage A? It’s like all the women, and I’m sorry ladies but it is the women, it might be unpopular to say so but evidence backs me up on this (OK, I’ll grant you it’s not ALL the women but it is the case that of ALL the people who do this, they are ALL women)……anyway where was I? Yes, it’s like some women have had their “chat hormones in check for so long they will literally burst unless they utter some inane comment and relieve the pressure building up in their heads. As soon as the TM has finished it’s like a tidal wave of “Oooo, on time today then.” or “quick coffee before the tube I think.”

I wonder if it’s anything to do with the other puzzler of why it is only women (it is, it is, it is! Don’t care what you say, it is!) who have deeply personal conversations on trains? That’s not to say men aren’t loud, boring and annoying when on the phone on trains, they are of course, but their conversations are either; a) about work – boring, willy-waving, look how powerful and vital to my business I am conversations or b) about meeting people – “Yeah, see you in the Bishop’s Mitre at 7. Is Stink-Finger and Tankman coming? Nice one. See ya.”

Women, gawd bless their shiny high heels, will quite openly discuss a friend’s hysterectomy, a neighbour’s mental breakdown, a colleague’s attempted suicide or how horrible next door’s kids are with equal gay abandonment and complete oblivion to those around them who are wondering if they have ever heard of the word discretion.

I’m off now to talk about my mother-in-law’s colonic irrigation……fancy a chat?

42081 – 18:37 Wednesday 23nd April

42081

Well it all kicked off as I waited for the Frome service on Platform 7 at Reading.

The tweets were flowing in, the platform boards were flashing around, the best website in the world realtimetrains.co.uk was updating faster than the speed of html and the message that was being received was that there was a signalling problem at Hayes!

After I’d picked myself up from the floor and sent the obligatory sarcastic tweet to FGW it turned out that services didn't seem to be affected at all and certainly trains were running out of London quite normally.

This was very good news not least because I wouldn’t be late for the West Berkshire CAMRA Community Pub of the Year presentation for 2014. So it’s congratulations to the Tally Ho! of Hungerford Newtown and congratulations to Carriage 42081, the first Carriage C of the Carriage Capture.


Now try drinking 3 pints of ale on a school night and say that 10 times.

44097 – 17:45 Wednesday 23nd April

44097

I managed to reach Paddington a couple of minutes earlier this evening and those vital minutes proved very important as it meant I managed to jump on the 17:45 service to Swansea a mere matter of minutes before it left.

I couldn't help myself but be drawn to Carriage A which turned out OK as these early stages on in the Carriage Capture quest still means I am hitting new carriages rather than any I have already previously visited. Tonight’s lucky winner was 44097 and my luck was still in as I captured the last vacant double seat even though it was one half of a table combination.

I normally avoid the table like the plague as firstly there’s not enough leg room for even the smallest Oompa-Loompa and secondly you’re running a very high risk that some annoying tap-tap-tapper is going to get their laptop out and start doing something vitally important like dashing off some emails or maybe even write a stupid blog. On this occasion though the lure of the spare seat was too much and at least to the relief of both my opposing neighbour and me we could sit diagonally from each other and stretch our legs out.

The journey proceeded fairly normally apart from the rather disconcerting situation that developed between myself and some stranger down the end of the carriage. Every time I looked up from my book (propped on the handy table) this bloke was looking at me and grinning. I tried some surprise glances but no, still every time I looked in his direction he was staring back with this big shit eating grin on his face. I started to get quite nervous and pretended to look out the windows and at the luggage rack to try to see if out the corner of my eye he altered his eye line but he was obviously finding my visage far too amusing. I did notice as I gingerly made my way past him to alight at Reading that he was wearing headphones so it’s perfectly plausible that he might have been listening to some hilarious comedy and just looking into the middle distance. Or perhaps he was just laughing at me. Yeah, it was probably that.

Wednesday 23 April 2014

44022 – 06:57 Wednesday 23rd April

44022

First Great Western isn’t giving me much material to work with here. For at least the past 2-3 weeks all my trains have been running on time (give or take the odd minute or two) and I haven’t experienced a dreaded cancellation for quite a while.

Even my travelling companions are behaving themselves, well as much as a carriage full of shaved chimps can do anyway. Today’s victim kept himself to himself and apart from the tinny hiss of his headphones he slept the whole way into London, the only noise being a surprised grunt when he was woken for a ticket check.
The only other disturbance was someone kicking off when they were kicked off (see what I did there?) at Reading after they’d got caught using an off-peak ticket. “But it was the one they sold me at the office mate” wailed the unfortunate fare dodger, although he soon ditched the blame-it-on-the-ticket-office routine and settled instead for the tried and tested effing-and-jeffing-swearing-his-head off methodology.

This punctual commuting is all very well, but it’s not very amusing. I had to relieve the boredom this morning with this pithy comment on the state of Thatcham Station from @3rdRateWestern


It must have been my new aftershave. HA!

Tuesday 22 April 2014

42283 – 18:37 Tuesday 22nd April


After a short stand on Platform 7 – new benches have been installed but no-one is allowed to sit down yet – and watching some geezer do an Ivor the Engine impression with an e-Cigarette, I boarded the “Prince Michael of Kent” who was personally pulling the Frome service this evening. Good on you Mike but you were still 5 minutes late into Thatcham.

Carriage B was nice and empty and I didn’t have to employ any dirty seat grabbing tactics to secure a double berth for the short journey.

Nothing else happened on this journey. Sorry, I can’t even make something up……………have some extra photos instead.
<Gandalf> You Shall Not Sit! </Gandalf>


  Prince Michael of Kent taking a breather at Thatcham. I bet the real one has never done that.




42055 – 17:49 Tuesday 22nd April



It’s my return journey that by far offers the most opportunities for Carriage Captures as I think I won’t be able to bring myself to deviate from my beloved Carriage A on the morning London bound journeys. My method for getting back to the homestead involves getting to Paddington as quickly as the cursed Circle Line will let me and then jumping on the first train leaving in a westward direction as by and large they all stop at Reading. Once at Reading, if I’m running early I can get a stopping Turbo to Thatcham or if running late I can meet the 18:05 Frome service.

The advantage to this tried and tested method is that if everything goes wrong I’m at least a good mileage nearer to home but on the other hand the obvious risk is when the service I’m using to get to Reading goes kaput and I’m overtaken by the Frome train with all the other Thatcham warriors pulling moonies at me as they thunder past.

Tonight I was just in time to leap gracefully about the 17:49 service to Worcester Shrub Hill and as it was in reverse formation I somehow ended up in Carriage E. There some spare seats despite the habitual “vestibule-standers” even if I did have to ask an “aisle sitter” if I could squeeze my lithe body through to the window seat.

Now let me make one thing quite quite crystal clear here. Anyone who chooses to sit in a aisle seat whilst keeping the window seat free is a twat. They are only hoping that no-one will be brave enough to ask them to move and the result will be they’ll end up with both seats to luxuriate in and not have some sweaty fleshy mountain fighting over the arm rest. Excuses of “long legs” or “getting off at the 1st stop” whilst not necessarily fabrications are just excuses and anyone with a jot of honesty would admit that they are all just part of a double-seat hopeful ploy. Don’t get me wrong, there are different levels of “aisle sitters”, pretty obviously someone with their bag on the window seat, headphones on so they can pretend not to hear you and then huffing and puffing when you have the temerity to ask them to move are much much worse (i.e. King or Queen Twat) than someone who immediately gets up with a smile on their face, (baby-boo-boo twat) but make no mistake, they are all cut from the same cloth.

This particular aisle sitter got up willingly enough (a sort of toddler twat) but he hadn’t put the arm rest down which meant we had far far too much neighbourly bodily contact for my liking but maybe I’ll go into this in more details in a later episode.

The only other thing of note on this particular journey was the Train Manager (TM), who seemed to think that he was the starring DJ on Fab FM as every announcement was performed with a faux American slur and worse pauses and running words into one another than the great tit of the news, Robert Peston. So we didn’t have “security” we had “secuuuridy”, we didn’t have “authortity” we had “authooridy”, and we didn’t stop at Maidenhead, we stopped at May-den-ed.

That said, we did arrive on time, so…….Let’s Rock!

44060 – 06:57 Tuesday 22nd April

The Easter Weekend has to be the best weekend of the whole year without a shadow of a doubt and I would gladly bare-chested wrestle anyone to the death who claims to the contrary, but that being said one thing I did miss over the four days of enforced chocolate eating was the constant stream of shared commuting hell that my virtual cohorts experience. It’s definitely one of those situations where you start to count your blessings as the only thing that was untoward with my journey into town today was the reverse formation of the 06:57 whereas everyone else seemed to be battling with tidal waves, rabid dogs and people talking too loudly in their phones.

That’s not to diminish the unsettling effects of a reverse formation of course. Apart from the fact I have to slog my way to the opposite end of the platform it also means that other more fair weather travellers are now encroaching into my space and my favourite Carriage A gets much fuller as a result.

Carriage A on this particular service was carriage number 44060 and I managed to get a seat next to a regular chap who scores about 7 out of 10 on the scale of good travelling neighbours. He never hogs any of the armrest and never makes any unnecessary noise apart from the constant keypad tapping on his Blackberry. He must have been catching up on Easter break emails as the device never left his hand for the whole journey and there were so many to catch up on by the time we were pulling into Platform 9 he was all of a flap scrabbling to put away his glasses, files and all manner of accoutrements. Usually after each email he zips the phone back into various jackets and compartments only to go through the reverse un-zipping procedure 10 minutes later when the reply drops in so at least on this occupation we were both spared any zip induced RSI damage.

Arrival at Paddington was punctual if not slightly early and my disembarkation was only marred by the fact that in reverse formation my chances of trying to surreptitiously get a photo of the carriage number was foiled by the stampede of suits making a charge for the tube. So instead you’ll have to make do with a screenshot of three very fine tweets from the Uptight Commuter (@uptightcommuter) which very succinctly sums up today’s commuting joys.

Hope the poo was most enjoyable....

So, that’s 3 down, 444 to go.

Sunday 20 April 2014

44023 – 20:35 Thursday 17th April

44023

The very day after the late night Oranges and Lemons tour was a Things You See At Lunch (TYSAL) expedition featuring none other than general train nerd and all round amusing fellow @slowpokesam and his side-kick brother @mmmmmmatthew – You can read all about this epic adventure on the TYSAL Blog but apart form the chance of giving my liver a well earned rest there was also another opportunity for a Carriage Capture on the return leg of the journey.

The 20:35 service to Plymouth made itself the ideal candidate for just that opportunity for two outstanding reasons; one, it allowed us enough time to stock up on Upper Crust #baguette goodness before boarding the train and two, we could sail all the way through to Newbury before catching a train returning in the opposite direction to destination Thatcham.

Now, before the ticket police amongst you accuse us of making an authorised journey I would direct you to compare the FGW journey planner and then look at the National Rail version. Basically and hopefully not becoming too boring, one of the sites would suggest you can travel in this fashion whilst the other one suggests you can’t.

I suppose it should have been expected that an evening service on the day before the Easter Holidays would be busy and indeed it was meaning the three crap musketeers couldn’t sit together and would have to be separated in the way primary school teachers separate unruly children. I grabbed what must have been the last unreserved seat in Carriage 44023 which was performing duties of the quiet Carriage A, whilst the boys slunk off to make a racket in Carriage B.

I discussed in the last update how the quietness of Carriage A seems to diminish throughout the day and this service was no different except that the couple just across the aisle from me were not only chatting like they were through to the last two of the great British “chat-off” but had the temerity to be talking in the most pretentious way possible. He was discussing his book on Istanbul whilst she was eating a takeaway pack of sushi. (I mean, sushi, come on. Sushi is not a packed lunch food and if you’re going to be affected enough to eat it in public then I’m going to judge you and come to the conclusion you’re probably a twat.) Anyway the clincher was when we he, in the middle of regaling a family story about a pregnant relation said and this is an exact quote – “…and Noah, well he is utterly charming….”

At this point I retired to the vestibule and took the photo of the carriage number.

44032 – 23:30 Wednesday 16th April

44032

The first potential issue I’ve noticed with this honourable quest is that I, like most if not all regular commuters, am a creature of habit and tend to favour the same journey every day as much as I possibly can. Same train, same carriage, sometimes even same seat. I don’t go to the lengths of reserving seats, liking to live by the seat of my pants and the risk of sitting in a different seat every day (when it’s possible to get a seat of course) but I do almost always travel in Carriage A without fail.

Carriage A, for those not familiar with FGW’s carriage labelling scheme, is the “quiet carriage” in the standard class section of a HST. The reason I prefer this supposed haven of tranquillity is exactly that, the chances of having a quiet and peaceful journey are at least increased if not guaranteed. And of course, if you do decide to tell noisy others to pipe-down you have got the law and righteousness on your side.
In the mornings the quiet carriage really is quiet, an almost library like location of solitude and calm with only the odd hushed rustlings of the odd newspaper and the odd clearing of the odd throat to break the silence. However the later in the day you seem to travel the noisier the carriage seems to get so by the time you’re on a late evening train all the other travellers seem to have thought “sod this” and are chatting, music-ing and phoning as in any of the other carriages.

I therefore didn't have much hope of a quiet time when catching the 23:30 Bristol Temple Meads service from Paddington on a Thursday evening after another legendary BGC Oranges and Lemons night out. The reality though turned out to be an almost deserted carriage with a guaranteed double seat all to myself and only the muted murmurings of some woman who couldn't resist a phone call to disturb me. One over exaggerated cough soon put paid to that and the rest of the journey was in peace and quiet until the Train Manager (the Hispanic sounding one who sometimes does my morning train – I must try to get some names) did a ticket check and it turned out that the bloke opposite Miss Telephone had a ticket for an earlier service and would have to pay for a new ticket. Miss Telephone’s boyfriend then thought he’d help the situation by discussing (I can’t use the word “arguing” as this was much too civilised) whether Mr Wrong Ticket could pay the difference between the two fares to which the TM said that that could only be done at a ticket office. This all went round and round in a rather pointless loop until Mr Wrong Ticket played what he no doubt hoped was a trump card. “Aww, it’s my birthday today as well….” 

As I stood up to leave his debit card was in the machine………Many Happy Returns!

Saturday 19 April 2014

40101 to 44101 and everything inbetween.

Do I need another blog? Yeah, about as much as a fish needs a bicycle, probably one of those twattish fold-up Brompton ones that make all riders look like they’ve just escaped from the circus. As if I haven’t got enough to do with my hectic film star lifestyle than spend time writing some more appalling composed drivel that only the bewildered will read, but unfortunately my inane attraction to lists and collecting has led me to accept a new literary diary challenge which will surely only prove less attractive than any of the other blogs.

The other day I learnt through the First Great Western (FGW) Twitter feed that there were a total of 54 HST (High Speed Train) carriages. The number was later amended to 420 (the 54 coming from the number of HST “sets” (that’s a whole train to you and me)) but it still set my very simple and slightly OCD laden mind wondering whether I could possible visit and use every single carriage during my daily commute into and back out of London.

I also imagined I could maybe use this blog as a therapeutic methodology to expunge my daily frustrations with the whole experience of commuting. Now before anyone accuses me of inventing this blog just as an excuse to batter FGW around the proverbial dangly things and take them to task for their service failings, I’d like to confirm that’d you’d be absolutely correct. But I also want to use this as a general rant-platform to rail against the frustrations of commuting in general and maybe promote my fellow virtual commuters, without whom the three or so hours a day I spend on the tracks would be a non-awakening nightmare.

In order to log my carriage capture progress I have been very handily provided with a list of all FGW HST carriage numbers (turned out the grand total is 447) by none other than the FGW’s Twitter Team’s answer to Kylie Minogue, the chip fiend that is called Jess. Amazingly what Jess also agreed to was that for every 20 different carriages I visit she’ll supply a signed photo of one of the Twitter Team! As I’m sure you’ll agree, this will be a fantastic prize for those of us who are stuck on the anonymous side of FGW’s Twitter interactions without a clue of the visigogs of the persons on the other end of the keyboard. What she also mentioned was that should I completely achieve the immense task and visit all 447 carriages, FGW will lay on an all expenses paid day out for me and my extended family to ride on the foot plate of a HST, toot the horn, east as many Extress CafĂ© #baguettes as I like all to the accompaniment of FGW CEO Marky Mark Hopwood as he serenades us on the 5 string banjo. I should point out that at least one of these prize offers has been completely made up.

Anyway, pencils and tartan flasks at the ready, it’s time to go carriage spotting………